KOKORO: Some Identities You Hold Lightly. Others You Protect.
Some Identities You Hold Lightly. Others You Protect.
Welcome to Kokoro, where twice a month I send you thoughtfully chosen resources to help you get more of what you want through empowered decision making and loving self talk.
In this issue:
- An exhale — practicing what I preach
- Identity — when you look in the mirror and don’t recognize the person looking back
- A slice of April
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🌸 Erin
P.S. Take a peek at my new website! erinwarner.net
April was A LOT.
If you read my last issue — The Cost of Always Being On — you already know.
So in the spirit of practicing what I preach, I’m giving myself permission to skip the links this issue. They’ll be back next time, curated with care and worth the wait. 🤍
Some Identities You Hold Lightly. Others You Protect.
For most of my adult life, I didn’t eat fast food. It didn’t even occur to me. I was “the kind of person” who didn’t eat fast food. That’s just who I was.
Then I fell in love with a man who enjoys fast food. He was excited to eat In-N-Out in California before they opened stores in Texas, and bummed about Chick-fil-A being closed on Sundays.
I love doing things with him that he enjoys and gradually I started eating fast food with him. (He’s a very good influence on me in other ways, for the record!) And one day I realized I was no longer a person who doesn’t eat fast food. It surprised me!
I had always been one way, and now that had shifted. Which made me smile — an unexpected gift of getting older is getting to be many different versions of yourself and loving them all.
Some identities we hold lightly — like my relationship with fast food. Those can shift and evolve and I can wave them goodbye with affection. They’re chapters, not the story.
Other identities we hold at our core. They define what we believe is possible for us. How we show up in the world. What we think we deserve.
“Self-loving and empowered” is a core identity. You don’t want to cheerfully wave it goodbye. And yet it can fade away, little by little, without realizing it’s happening, nor how significant it is.
If you don’t protect your core identity, you may find yourself looking in the mirror one day, not recognizing the person looking back at you.
The work I’ve done over the past decade has been reclaiming the self-loving, empowered identity I had as a girl but didn’t know needed protection. Little by little, life chipped away at it. And little by little, intentionally, I’ve built it back. Coming home to the core version of me I was always meant to be.
The Science of Identity
We tend to think that habits are built on discipline. But the most sustainable habits are built on identity.
When you think of yourself as “the kind of person” who doesn’t eat fast food, you don’t negotiate with yourself about it. The identity does the filtering upstream, before effort ever has to be applied. James Clear made this famous in Atomic Habits, building on BJ Fogg’s research in Tiny Habits.
Most people apply this insight to diet or fitness.
But what if the habit you’re trying to build is self-love?
If you carry a core identity — a deep story about who you are — it filters your choices before you’re even conscious of making them.
Not “should I speak up for what I need right now?” but simply: I am someone who speaks her needs out loud.
Not “do I deserve to be treated well?” but: I treat myself as well as I treat others. That’s simply who I am.
This is what a mantra actually is. An identity statement. A filter. A declaration of who you are. It shapes what you do — and what you even consider doing — long before effort enters the picture.
The L.O.V.E. framework is identity-level habit formation. The self-talk we work with isn’t fluff. It’s the soil the rest of your life grows from.
Try This
Think of an area of your life where you’re relying on effort or grit to push through resistance.
Now ask yourself: what would I have to believe about who I am for this to simply be what I do?
Write it down as a clear “I am” statement — one that feels like a stretch but not false. Something that could be true simply by your choice to believe it.
Try on that identity for a week. What shifts upstream?
What’s coming up for you? Hit reply — I’d love to know.
Until next time, -Erin
WRAPPING UP…
Before you go: Here’s how I can help…
My work is focused on helping ambitious people, including men and women, align their head and self-talk with their deepest-held desire, so they can achieve more, build the relationships they want, and bring their unique gifts to the world.
If you’ve been successful most of your life, but hit a ceiling or don’t feel the fulfillment you thought you would, I offer…
- 1-1 Coaching
- Self Love and Empowerment Group Program
- Corporate Trainings on Leadership, Communication, Team Building
I also set aside free office hours specifically for readers of this email. If you’d like to connect and chat about where you’re headed, grab time with me here.
Don’t forget to check out my new website! erinwarner.net
Until next time,
-Erin
Erin Warner
Executive Coach & Facilitator